Thinking About Gay Marriage

I was driving home and thinking about how cool it is that other people are excited when they find out that I got married. For some reason I was very closed-mouthed about it all. I was not ashamed or afraid, I think. Maybe a small part of they too would have that same 'surprise, nervous-joy, streaked with a tinge of bastardization' response. Some people, all family members, openly displayed this reaction. All of my friends, acquaintances, and even near-strangers have been surprisingly happy for us.

It was also really a stressful time in my life for so many huge reasons. The wedding and planning it became an intense, though brief, distraction from my daily stress. Normal stresses were replaced with new, less important ones about the wedding. Instead of being upset because I did not have money for my mortgage, I worried about finding tuxedo shoes in Zack's size. Whereas normally I lay awake at night because I know I need to learn to sign better because Kiara is growing up fast, while planning the wedding I couldn't sleep because I was obsessed with ensuring that mailed items would arrive before the wedding. (Everything except the rings made it.)

I think that I did not talk about it because it was like a private, secret joy that I only shared openly with Nanette, and even then not completely. I felt like I was creating my own private prom and had already been crowned queen and Nanette was my "co-queen".

I also think that I did not feel like I had a good story to tell. It was not like a whirlwind romance. We left 'hot and exciting' years ago. There was not even any of that fresh, new relationship glow. We have been hardworking mothers for years now. Our lives are as uneventful as anyone elses. We make it a point to attend back-to-school night every year and always pay for membership in the Parent-Teacher Association, but don't actually attend any meetings. Our big adventure this summer has been swimming lessons for the kids. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Nanette with every ounce of my being. Nanette is my primary reason for wanting to live a long life. We were already married in every way that really matters most. We even had some legal protections in place, both being legal parents of the kids and having domestic partnership.

But, we decided that we wanted to be married, like the kind of people that most people think of when they think of the type of family we have. We are not faking "normalcy" or "playing house". We are a real family with real problems, joys, and love. So, yes, we wanted to get married.

I have never heard a legitimate, intelligent, non-religious (or religious for that matter), argument as to why two women or two men should not marry. When celebrities skeet through marriages like most people go through packages of toilet paper, same-sex couples who have been together for fifty years cannot have a legally recognized relationship in most states!

I have been upset about this for a long time. It is like being spit on can called a nigger. I choose to be true to who I am, but I had no more choice about being a lesbian than I did about being Black or or female. I am just who I am and who I am is just fine. I am not especially ashamed or proud of what I am, but I am proud of who I am.

So, while still driving home tonight, I thought about Kiara. She was so excited about the wedding. She was like a mini-Maid of Honor. She would sit next to me for hours looking at every existing wedding dress website multiple times. She helped me pick out everything. Kiara counted down the days with delight. Her face was beaming on our wedding day. I literally felt like our entire little family was getting married. I even wanted to put little caricatures of Zack and Kiara on our wedding cake topper. ( I ran out of time.) I remembered how Nanette and her therapist had concluded that Kiara would always remember our wedding day. I thought about how wonderful that is and what a good memory that would be for her. Then I thought, as a deaf child, a lot of Kiara's knowledge of the world is learned through experiences, rather than from listening. Her experience of seeing Nanette and I pledge our love for each other, as she had seen her aunt and uncle do, simply meant that her mothers really love each other. She has no idea that just weeks prior it would not have been an option.
Then I got really upset. In the past I thought that it did not really matter if the state overturned the gay marriage ruling in November. It would be like losing a gift that someone gave you by mistake. I know that it is wrong to deny validity to relationships between loving, consenting adults, but I was used to it.
But now that I am married and we are so happy about it, I would feel so betrayed, angry, and violated if some incest-perpetrating hick or Bible toting hypocrite told me that my relationship was less valid than theirs. Even less valid than one with a stranger that I may marry, if that stranger were a man.
Our wedding was the best thing that we could have done for Kiara. It is just one of many things we do that will teach her to live without shame, fear, or need for approval. The thought of strangers being able to undo that makes me angry beyond words.