Still Moving

I trudge on. I have no choice. Not right now.
Right now all I have to do is make it one more day. It's like walking while incredibly drunk - a normal,boring thing that we take for granted, until we can't do it anymore. That is what my life is like right now. I am stumbling through each day, hoping to see the next without serious injury. I am still upright and moving. But, who knows for how much longer?
So much has happened in so little time. One year - a world of difference.
Last year I thought we were broke. The rentals weren't stable and I had to use credit cards to make up the difference - for a lot of months; But, then, I thought that things would get better soon. Property values would go up and then I would sell the duplex and pay off all of our debts and make tidy sum for cruises and savings, in that order. How wrong was I?
Now, I have a tremendous amount of debt - so large that it makes me genuinely nostalgic for the debt of yesteryear.
The financial stress made me feel sad. But, as my debt has soared, I have experienced a depth of sadness that makes financial problems seem like wilting flowers - not really that big a deal. My mother died. I still can't believe it's true and I'll never see her again or hug her or argue with her. I won't see her wobbling up my driveway and wonder what she wants, though I am happy to see her and wish that she'd stay longer than her customary ten minutes.
I am tortured by memories and regret, but am comforted by Nanette and my memories. I know that I tried to be a good daughter and she tried to be a good mother and we love each other very much. That is all that really matters, at any age. I hope.
Daddy had cancer last year and I feared that he would die. He lost so much weight that Mama figured it out, even though I didn't tell her. Daddy asked me not to. In good ol' Daddy fashion, he made his way through,with the help of his hos. Now, he may have cancer again and he hasn't even gained all of his weight back yet. His once watermelon-like stomach, held up by two skinny legs, now looks small, like a newly visible pregnancy. Mine looks like my twins were due last month, and I have never been pregnant.
So, now you have some idea why I am driving drunk through life. In the same vein, as the drunk is usually the one to survive the accident, I hope that I make it through this wreck.
Jesus helps me the most. He allows me to continue to communicate with my mother, through music, images, and thoughts. Jesus makes me feels like I am constantly hugged by someone who really, really loves me. And it doesn't get annoying, like when Kiara does it. It is Jesus who keeps me from jumping off or crashing into or swallowing too many. Jesus helps helps me live another day.